Below is a transcript for a commercial for Ed Neely's Acting Class. It is not intended as an endorsement of any kind.
ED NEELY SCHOOL OF FACE ACTING
I’m a face actor. People call me El Visage which is funny because it sounds like the name that you’d give a boat. A boat you’d win in a divorce settlement. I don’t coach the physical, the emotional or mental components of acting…no no. I strictly coach the moneymaker. The face. The dust cover of the soul, the front fender of the heart. Fuh fuh fuh face. You may not know my work but you definitely know the disciples of my work. Behold! SitCom Magic:
Coworker proposes a ridiculous solution to a paper jam in the copier.
(Straight to camera, deadpan.)
Wife enters the living room screaming about the sports car her zany husband bought.
(Straight to camera, lift the eye brow.)
The lovable toddler glued his own butt to the toilet again!
(Straight to camera, double eye brown. Relax lips and pretend to blow out a birthday cake from the other side of the room.)
(eating a gyro)
Face acting works because it tells the audience how they should feel about something that just happened. Did a main character just die? Time to feel sad. Did that baby pony just learn to walk? Time to get hopeful. By the way, it’s called a foal! Is there a garbage fire in your shed? Isn’t that where you were hiding the kid’s Christmas presents? Ay yi yi.
But don’t take it from me. Listen to these fabulous faces!
Tyler Johannson, 17
(Cool World with Tyler and Toby )
Before I took Ed Neely’s face acting class, I was a deadbeat kid with no future. I had problems at school and I nobody liked me. Now, people always know how I feel – whether I’m acting in my own TV show or inter-acting with chums.
Tord Sorenson, 36.
(Tord Sorenson’s Junkyard Excursions)
Before I took this class. I thought that emotions were something for other people. Which is fine because I didn't know any other people. Now, I can fake it and make money in Regional commercials for junk dealerships.
(Holds up radiator to 1988 Astrovan.)
But what if I don’t want to get rid of this old radiator!
(Home Alone Facial Gesture)
Michelle Cresent (nee Shatstank)
(Corpse #7, House of Death)
Thanks to Ed’s class, I discovered that I have non affective Asperger syndrome – I haven't booked anything yet. But at least I know why I didn't cry at Me-Maw’s funeral.
(Looks to camera)
How sweet it is!
Fun Fact: Cool isn't just a state of mind - it’s an emotion. Double Fact: We’re not allowed to call this a class anymore, it's a workshop. Class indicates that something will end. This is an open-ended commitment to showing how you feel without using things like subtlety or context.
This commercial is over!
Ed Neely Face Acting Workshop. Get It In Your Face!