Fan Fiction Transcript

Below is a transcript from the now infamous reading of my Crystal Sphere Fan Fiction. The following took place in the back of Annouk's Book Emporium and Mediterranean Grill. 


"Today I'll be reading some fan fiction from the Crystal Sphere Septology.  The following takes place between the sixth book, Tears of Dysmorphia, and the as of yet unpublished seventh volume.

"As the debate entered its 7th hour, the 7 priests returned from recess. In unison. Holding hands, as was the custom.  The high priest kissed the forehead of the higher priest who licked the forehead of the highest priest. The Highest priest addressed the crowd.

"Yum Yum, tim tum. Walla Walla Zoot schoot. REAWR!"

He was right. the debate had gotten too heated, such outbursts would not be tolerated in a Korfoolian brothel luncheon much less a gathering of the Seven Priests of Zhhanaybia. The highest priest nodded his five heads caustically at Sebastian and Fat Travis, urging them to restart the debate..

Sebastian took the lectern, his broad shoulders rippling beneath his robes like hardened Trimeethian dough.  His opening salvo was devastating.

"Googly googly googly,  schnicka schnack."

Sebastian tried to repress a smirk but his large, brown, cylindrical tusks made it impossible. The crowd grew restless, thinking the debate over. Until Fat Travis snorted,

"Boo boo, boo Boo boo?"

The congregation gasped in ecstasy.  Fat Travis' retort was worthy of the Harfoothian muse herself.  As if she had climbed into one of Fat Travis’ seven ear canals and made love to his brain, with one of her seven genitals. Fat Travis, with his convex forehead and low self esteem had lulled Sebastian into a false sense of security.

Sebastian thought back to his time on the prison ship, sailing across the Sea Lion Sea. Summoning all of his strength, he emptied his thoughts in one fell swoop of liturgical argument.

"Gadzooks chum chum bing bong ding dong."

 So many salient points crammed into a single sentence. Sebastian relaxed. His burden eased,  He took a triumphant sip of piss. Slowly, an audience member rose from the back of the chamber. More shadow than man, he uttered clearly, cruelly, in a voice Sebastian recognized instantly.

"Have you had your break today? McDonald’s. I’m loving it."

Sebastian, spat out his beverage, dousing the lectern in piss.  Could it be?  Grimlock had died years ago, yet here he was undermining Sebastian’s argument. The holy council glared at Sebastian, begging his response to the Throodinese  rapier his undead ex lover, the former cobbler Grimlock had thurst into his argument.
The  End.

I will now take questions from the audience.

Editor's Note: If you enjoy the reading up to this point, I advise you to please stop reading.

Reporter 1:  "Hey Barry, you're fat. Is this a metaphor for that?"

BH: No... I. No.

Reporter 2: "Hey Barry, you're going bald. How does that affect your writing process?"

BH: I don't know.

Reporter 3: "Hey Barry, you're an okay writer."

BH: Thanks.

Reporter 3: "Let me finish. Okay, No. That was it."

As it became apparent to me, this was yet another attempt at besmirching my good name as a writer of Crystal Sphere Fan Fiction. I remain undaunted.